YOU'LL BE MORE POPULAR IF YOU'D JUST LOSE THAT GUY ON THE CROSS

Ugh. When Christian churches are dead enough to turn their "image" over to marketing flacks, here's what you get:

Churches are being urged to drop the image of the Crucifixion and instead highlight the social benefits of filling the pews in an effort to boost Sunday attendance.

Traditional approaches such as showing Jesus on the cross and Bible quotations are a turn-off to non-churchgoers, according to one of two suggested advertising campaigns drawn up by agencies.

So...in the name of getting people in the pews, we should drop the purpose of getting people in the pews. Ooookay.

Instead, advertisers say churches should highlight their community life, the chance to have a good sing, hear a good sermon and have a heart-to-heart chat.

But since you had us drop the Bible quotes, what are we singing about? What's the sermon about? Why not just sleep in on Sunday?

Another separate campaign has advised that churches should target 30 to 40-somethings who have the trappings of success but feel there is something missing.

Yeah, that missing something might be a relationship with their Creator, but since you had us drop the Bible quotes....

Both campaigns were commissioned with a brief to reverse declining church attendance levels and are featured in September's issue of the evangelical magazine Christianity+Renewal.

In its proposals, Khameleon Advertising, based in Billingshurst, Sussex, said Christians should highlight the social event of going to church, including the chance to catch up with news and friends.

Worldwide, stats show that the only churches that are in death spirals are the ones that have abandoned their mission. Churches which stick to the basics tend to grow wherever they exist, from Texas to Tanzania. But the appropriately named (though not appropriately spelled) Khameleon ponytails suggest churches can actually prosper by abandoning their purpose. And apparently some churches (you know which ones, based on recent headlines) think the old time religion is outdated, in need up a makeover. It's a little like telling the Army "People will stop shooting at you if you'd just put down all those guns and stop, you know, defending the country."

Its ideas included the image of a lone goldfish in a bowl with the line "When did you last really need someone to talk to?" and a vicar with the words "When was the last time you saw some really good stand up...for free?"

Goldfish? Turning sermons into stand-up? Advertiser Fisks self.

Guy Lupton, managing director of Khameleon Advertising, said: "We don't think people want to be preached at, and we didn't want traditional images like pictures of Jesus on a cross. The key is to get people through the door of the church and let them make up their own minds."

But once they're in the door, we're not using those hoary old Bible quotes anymore, so what's the point? What do we have to offer that you can't get in a chatroom or a coffee shop?

Link ICA, based in Maidstone, Kent, opted for the slogan Get a Life - Go to Church, with a "medicine for the soul" message including pictures of ambulances, a doctor's bag and a plasma drip.

Spirtuality+Renewal editor John Buckeridge said: "So many people are interested in spirituality - there are literally millions of non-churchgoers who want to know God and have a spiritual experience - who currently are unaware of what is, literally, on their doorstep. Advertising to them makes sense."

This one's marginally better. At least is doesn't try to turn the local preacher into a hack commedian, or God into a goldfish. And of course it's perfectly acceptable to advertise to try and reach people who are otherwise unchurched. But these ad firms are doing more than creating an image--they're trying to gut the "product" they're pitching of its meaning. And some in the church, are just following along, letting the image replace the substance, and letting the means--getting people in the door--replace the ends, which is saving them.

I would whip out some quotes from Paul on the importance of the cross and Scripture to Christianity, but what's the point? Who am I, indeed who is Paul, to argue with marketing consultants?